New Year's, 2005: Two friends and I embark on a seven hour road trip to a little place called Montreal. Writing this story five years after the fact I will probably miss some shit, but to the best of my knowledge this is how it goes.
I believe DK started out driving my S.U.V. with Alfred riding shot gun and myself sleeping on luggage in the back seat with a hangover, because when I go on vacation it usually starts the night before and ends a day or two afterward. DK is a friend I have known for the best part of my life and is probably one of the funniest kids I know. He is also probably the only person who I know that is better than me at verbally tearing somebody to shreds. Our other friend I call Alfred because he reminds me of the mad magazine character. Great kid, also a pretty funny, but couldn’t get laid in a whore house with a fist full of hundreds.
After the seven hour ride and easily getting through customs (which was strange because my shit box SUV looks like the epitome of a drug smuggling vehicle), we arrive at our hotel.
It looked great online but was a different story in real life. The dark alley were you had to park your car not only had blood all over the snow, but two shady-looking people were sitting in a 1986 Toyota Corolla nearby smoking an unknown substance which I still believe to be crack. Not only were they smoking crack, but they were offering to help us with our bags like they worked there or something. (Maybe they were more aware that my SUV looks like it smuggles drugs than the customs workers were...)
After declining to let them take our bags, we go to check in. Not only was the parking lot very creepy but after we entered the lobby we thought we were checking into a brothel. After checking in and going to our room we shotgun several beers before going to get lunch. Now knowing that Canadians put a bunch of dumb shit on their food, like mayo on fries, I find the most American place I can find: Joe's American Bar and Grill. I don’t recall anything else worth repeating happening over the rest of the afternoon besides probably making fun of some Canucks and drinking excessively, so we'll fast forward to the first night.
New Year's Eve Eve: Night 1
The first night we went out was the night before New Year's Eve. We went to a club called Dome. (Seeing that there was a big dome on the top, it was pretty easy to find. Smart Canadians.) We arrived probably around ten or so and meet Alfred's brother and a couple of his friends upstairs. They are older than us and equally as retarded. After talking to one of his friends I have known for a couple years he asks if I want a beer and we proceed to the bar.
That's not spilled beer on the bar...
While ordering five beers from the bartender, he pulls out his penis and starts urinating on the bar. I mean this kid is good, he does not miss a beat: ordering while pissing and not changing the expression on his face; not cracking a smile, nothing, and continues to pay with one hand while executing a shake and zip with the other.
The only thing that shocked me more was that not a person except for me noticed we he was doing, and the only reason I noticed is because he had given me a look and hinted to what he was about to do. By 10:30 I could see where this night was about to go. After slamming drinks for another hour or so I go see how Canadian girls are gonna like me.
After about a half hour of dancing with some girls and drinking at a decent pace, without having hit the bathroom yet I informed the hot trash bag that I needed to hit the bathroom and I would be right back. She tells me that she also has to go and was coming with me.
Unisex bathrooms: Thank You Canada
Now having been my first trip to Canada I had never seen a unisex bathroom and my first experience is about to be a great one. Walking in, I cant believe my eyes: girls and guys at the mirror shooting the shit having regular conversations. Now being a unisex bathrooms there were no urinals, just stalls.
After being forced into the first available one, pushed down onto the toilet and stripped of my pants, I knew it wasn’t this girls first time: she was a pro. After riding me like a champ and putting out a good scream in the bathroom I was sure we were going to get kicked out. I might have been upset, but I had a good buzz and a hot chick that was going to be a good time, so I was ready to be kicked out if it came to it.
It did not happen. Over then ten minutes the only thing that happened was an occasional laugh or cheer from the other side of the stall. Upon completion and the swallowing of enough of my future children to start a day care, she got up, opened the stall, and walked out. Did I just get used?
Great start to the weekend.
I truly believed that she would be waiting outside the bathroom for me wanting to get some drinks or something, but nothing -- she was out like a fat kid in dodge ball. So I proceed back to the guys to tell them what had gone on to make sure that they know I am the fucking man.
Night one, chick two
Them being drunk and only mildly amused with this for about five minutes I retreat back to the bar to do some shots and make up for the half hour of drinking I lost. While at the bar I meet another promiscuous Canadian trash bag, and can automatically tell that there is no self respect in her gene pool either. After one shot and a drink this one was already asking when we were leaving.
My friends know me all too well to know that I would not be satisfied with a bathroom fuck and that I would also have to take something home with me, so without hesitation I grab her and head for the door. After walking the few short blocks back to the hotel I get this chick naked faster then cup cakes go off the shelf at a Jenny Craig convention.
My friends must have left the club shortly after me because not even fifteen minutes after me and this chick were going at it like the Bruins and the Canadians in the early 70's bench clearing brawl, the door opens and DK storms in wielding a hot dog and hatred for all of Canada.
DK begins to verbally assault this female telling her that Wayne Gretzky sucks and George Bush is the man. Now normally when DK is sober or slightly inebriated he can verbally assault anyone, but he was three sheets to the wind like he didn't even know what he was talking about.
So after assaulting their hockey team french dissent and various other points in Canadian history, she obviously has gotten dressed and leaves me to finish myself off with knuckle children in the bathroom. I would love to say this is the first time DK has inevitably cock blocked me, but it wasn't.
After she leaves DK and Alfred pass out. I stayed up pretty much the whole vacation with sporadic naps because I like to drink my vodka with energy drinks.
At about seven in the morning after being bored with hotel cable I decide to wake up the two retards, make them do tequila shots with me and find a breakfast joint so I could put something in my stomach to combat the booze and energy drinks that have taken control of my body. After this I fall asleep at around ten and don’t wake up till late in the afternoon, which I am not upset about because the only thing on my agenda for this vacation is drinking and getting laid as much as possible, if that wasn't clear already.
New Year's Eve: Night two
New Year's Eve we wake up around five o'clock and obviously begin to funnel beers, take showers, and begin the night. Around ten we arrive at Dome again, already decently intoxicated. We head to the bar for some Red Bull vodkas and Irish car bombs, sealing our fate for the night once again.
After several hours I was dancing with what I believed to be a go-go dancer employed by the bar. I came to this conclusion because she could dance her ass off, was wearing booty shorts and a little kid's top, and was dancing on a raised pedestal before she came over to me. After an hour of drinking, dancing, and telling this girl whatever she wanted to hear, I find out she was not employed by the bar after all. She tells me the reason for her outfit is that New Year's is like Halloween; a reason for girls to dress like sluts and get away with it.
...What?
I think this is stupid, but do not tell her that seeing as I wanted what little clothing she did have on, on the floor of a hotel room in the very near future. It was almost time for the club to close and I knew that DK and Alfred would be stumbling into our hotel very soon, so I ask her if she lives around here and if we can go back to her place. She says she's Canadian but doesn’t live anywhere near Montreal, so she was staying in a hotel a couple miles away and we can catch a cab and be there in a couple minutes.
After getting into a cab she pounces on me like a lion on a gazelle with very little regard for the cab driver. This wasn’t the first time she had done this; she was sticking her tongue down my throat and giving the cab driver directions at the same time.
We take the cab and go right to pound town. We had sex in the elevator, a stairwell, and everywhere in her hotel room, including counter tops, window sills, couch, coffee table, and in a bed next to her sleeping friend that woke up and was not only not amused at our actions but was that friend, you know the one, the ugly fat one that right when your about to leave the club with her hot friend swoops in and takes all your hard work away with comments like, "You're not really going home with this guy are you?" or: "You will hate yourself in the morning."
Now I usually have a friend that is ready to jump on that grenade because most of my friends loose all of their morals when they're drunk, but I was solo. So with no one to run interference on FREE WILLY I am stuck with not dumping my children on some whore's face for the second night in a row.
This chick was into me and wants to finish what we started at a later time. Knowing that not many people would be out the next day because most people are weak and can not handle hangovers, I agree to meet up with her the following day. Leaving her hotel and not remembering the cab driver was driving like fucking Jeff Gordon, I figured it was only a couple minutes in the cab, it couldn’t be far back to the club and my hotel was only blocks from there, so I will walk.
The coldest walk of fame...ever
At this time the alcohol was starting to wear off, and wearing only a thermal shirt in Canada in January is a horrible fucking idea. After walking ten blocks in the wrong fucking direction I stop to ask the only people who are on the street in Montreal at four in the morning: prostitutes.
After they try to work me over for 5 minutes they finally settle with selling me a tourist map and directions for $15 bucks. Upon arrival back at the hotel I find DK and Alfred in a drunken coma. I put the shower on scolding to thaw my nuts out, and go to sleep.
The next day we wake up at noon, get food, and I contact the hot trash bag from the night before because I needed to take care of something in my pants that was Jonesing like the crack fiends behind our hotel. She says she was waiting for me to call and was going to go home that day, but if I wanted would either come stay with us for the night or get a hotel room in the same hotel as us so we could party.
The Rendezvous
After describing our already stuffed living conditions she decides to get a room that was right next to ours. She shows up with an attractive friend this time, having sent FREE WILLY back to Sea World, which I was pretty pleased with. After dinner and some drinks we left her friend to fend for herself with DK and Alfred. She seemed okay with this because the two of them together drinking could have a good time watching paint dry.
We go back to her room and she goes to work like Chinese people on laundry. I hit it like Tyson in the late eighties and she took everything I had to throw at her and pushed back.
DK later described the noises coming out of the room like the military taking over Baghdad. We went on for hours, only stopping to walk in to the other room half-naked, funnel beers and go back at it. This went on pretty much 'til an hour before checkout time, and the only reason I stopped was to take a shower because I didn't wanna drive home eight hours with rotten crotch.
When it was time to leave we exchanged numbers and she said she was going to come to Boston soon to visit. I agreed this would be a good time but never actually thought that it would happen.
I mean, I know I am great in bed, but I would not drive a half hour to get laid, never mind eight fucking hours.
Sure enough, a week later she called while on her way to Boston to ask what hotel she should stay at... but that’s another story for a later time.
So here's what I learned on the trip to Canada:
- Unisex bathrooms are the best idea ever.
- Canadian chicks are whores.
- Canadians eat weird shit.
- It's possible to order drinks and take a piss at the same time.
- I still hate fat chicks.
