Thurday night The King calls me and asks if I want to go to the Celtics game. I am an obvous pick seeing as I take him to a lot of Bruins games and I am the best person to drink with anyway. He got free tickets from his friend I call Lil Flip. I call his friend Lil Flip because he is short and is on the Celtics Green Team, always doing back flips and shit on the court during intermission.
On the way to the game we stop by a friend's house and start crushing beers. This usually leads to disaster for me because I don't normally drink beer -- I am vodka drinker. I know my abilities to drink vodka; I know no limit when I am drinking beers. After about eight beers in a half hour we decide it's time to go to the game.
8:00 PM: We arrive at Boston Garden and crush our first round. I immediately switch to vodka and am drinking Kettle One lemonades. Kind of gay, but they are pretty good and have a good amount of booze in them. We get two each for like ten bucks a wack and head to our seats.
8:13 PM: I am not entertained because I'm not a huge basketball fan. I like my sports to have a little more face punching. So, I decide to pour the booze into my mouth as fast as I can. I head back to the stand to buy another round.
8:30 PM: Repeat of 8:13.
9:00 PM: Repeat of 8:30.
9:15 PM: The first intermission comes on and I am more entertained when the Celtics cheerleaders come on.
"I am going to fuck one of those girls tonight."
"No you're not," the King says.
"Yes I am."
"Bro, I give you a lot of credit because you can usually pick up any girl that you try to, but you're not fucking a Celtics cheerleader tonight."
I raise my voice now because I'm appalled at the lack of confidence in his voice. "Your nickname might be 'the King,' but I am the Ruler of All Vagina. I am like the Genghis Khan of Vaginaland."
He just laughs and calls me an idiot.
Not fazed, I continue to guzzle booze to keep myself entertained. After the game we go over to The Greatest Bar, which I like to call The Gayest Bar because it's usually all dudes in there. The only reason we went was because his buddy Lil Flip was there and we said we'd meet up for a couple drinks and to thank him for the tickets.
After we walk in we find Lil Flip standing with a decently attractive female in sweat pants and a baggy shirt carrying a gym bag. It was the, "Hi, I-am-a-stripper-who-just-got-out-of-work" look.
Then it hits me: Lil Flip is on the Green team, so she must be a Celtics cheerleader. I casually turned to the King and give him the I-told-you-so. The King almost sprays his drink at everybody around laughing his ass off.
So I begin to work my magic. I would like to explain how I do this, but every situation is different, and truthfully I don't think you can learn this; it's God given. So after about 20 minutes I can only describe her look in one way, and I believe my boy Tweeter said it the best in Varsity Blues when he said “she looks like she fell out of the I-wanna-suck-your-dick tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
Now being as drunk as I was, and her being already ready to go, I tell The King we need to get out of this place so I can get to pound town as soon as possible. I grab her, tell her she's coming home with me, and we head out. Now being as easy as it was to pick her up, I expected her vagina to be as open as the Grand Canyon but I was pleasantly surprised: Not only did she have the uniform still on under the sweats, she had a phenominal ass and her vagina was tighter than a Jewish guy's wallet after Hanukkah.
We went at it for a couple hours. After she tapped out (which usually happens after I have been drinking Red Bull and Vodka for a good portion of the night), while I was attempting to go to sleep this one informs me that she is not tired. So after learning that she is several years younger than I am, I turn on the cartoon network and tell her to go to sleep and leave me the fuck alone.
So since the start of this list a couple weeks ago I have crossed out a few:
- 2 in 12 hours done
- 3 in 24 hours done
- Celtics Cheerleader done x 2
I actually went as high as 5 in 60 hours, which I consider to be a new record for myself -- and only one out of the 5 was a repeat offender. So you can call me GENGHIS-FUCKIN-KAHN from now on.
