This story takes place a couple of years ago, but I have wanted to write it for a long time, so here it is.
I moved out of Boston a couple years back and lived out of state. I had nothing going on at the time and had a friend who had a cheap apartment and needed a roommate. I jumped at the chance of saving almost a thousand dollars a month on rent... which I quickly learned I would spend on partying instead.
The kid that I moved in with was one of those kids that made $12 dollars an hour but partied like he made $50. So needless to say I ended up paying the majority of the tab most of the time. The only reason I put up with this in the first place was because he was a decent wingman. He lied about everything, mostly his occupation: he liked to say he was an MTV executive, a modeling agent or anything else that would get women to sleep with him. He actually bought a Ferrari key on eBay once and walked around with it on his key chain, displaying it on bars when ordering drinks (that I paid for) so girls would see it. It was the middle of the winter so "obviously" the car was in storage.
The kid that I moved in with was one of those kids that made $12 dollars an hour but partied like he made $50. So needless to say I ended up paying the majority of the tab most of the time. The only reason I put up with this in the first place was because he was a decent wingman. He lied about everything, mostly his occupation: he liked to say he was an MTV executive, a modeling agent or anything else that would get women to sleep with him. He actually bought a Ferrari key on eBay once and walked around with it on his key chain, displaying it on bars when ordering drinks (that I paid for) so girls would see it. It was the middle of the winter so "obviously" the car was in storage.
Needless to say my drinking problem got progressively worse. After four months of living down there I was partying with “dancers” (that's what strippers like to be called) about four to five nights a week until five in the morning. My drinking problem was so bad I was pregaming with Everclear and cranberry juice before I went out. I am not complaining about this at all, I had a great time, but even at twenty two years old I knew it couldn't last much longer. I was definitely lucky I made it out of there with a clean bill of health and without a criminal record.
I am sure I have a bunch of getting-hammered-doing-stupid-shit-and-getting-laid stories from that year, but the story I think is the most entertaining is the day I left and moved back to Boston. At about nine in the morning I had two friends that were eager to get me back to Boston show up at my house with a U-Haul and two thirty packs. Now I didn't have much shit to move, mostly a bed, some clothes, and a T.V. It should have taken the three of us maybe an hour or two tops to load the U-Haul, but seeing my friends are as fucked up as I am, we started drinking at nine thirty or so. We didn't move a thing until we crushed three or four beers each and I already knew this day was gonna be epic. When we did finally start moving things it was carry one thing out, drink a beer, rinse and repeat.
At about eleven thirty we finally departed for Boston. My roommate Smush who I currently live with is driving the U-Haul and my other friend is driving this little shit box Toyota which I am pretty sure is a family member's car. I am driving my car in the back of the Congo line when about 15 minutes into the journey “LJ” who is driving the compact car starts ramming the back passenger side of the U-Haul at about 65 miles an hour. Now Smush being completely out of his mind only puts up with this for a brief period of time and starts ramming him back. This continued for the majority of 95. To this day I don't know how the U-Haul didn't flip or someone didn't get injured or arrested.
We arrive at my new apartment in the city around one where we are met by my new roommate Jigga -- no relevance to the rapper; he is a skinny white guy who wears a suit to work everyday-- and another friend only to be known as Bear Claw because when we have gotten into fights previously he has been known to knock people out with a cross between a claw and a bitch smack.
They are waiting to help move us in and drink violently to celebrate my return (we will find any excuse to do that). Pretty much the same process of moving out happened, except in the opposite way: bring one thing in, crush a beer, over and over and over again. Smush stops moving things in and starts entertaining people driving by and entertaining my neighbors buy chugging beers with my motorcycle helmet and the dogs spiked collar on. It's not long before he gets bored and soon he started talking to a homeless lady with a carriage over flowing with cans. The minute she stepped away from the carriage he was off running down the street, motorcycle helmet, dog collar, and carriage full of cans. Since has been smoking since he was twelve, he doesnt make it very far and when the can lady catches up he returns the carriage and heads back to the house. Another two beers and he now wants to check the effectiveness of the helmet by running into the side of the U-Haul head first, which serves to lay him out in the middle of the street blocking traffic. After picking him up off the street and sitting him down inside next to the cooler we finished moving.
They are waiting to help move us in and drink violently to celebrate my return (we will find any excuse to do that). Pretty much the same process of moving out happened, except in the opposite way: bring one thing in, crush a beer, over and over and over again. Smush stops moving things in and starts entertaining people driving by and entertaining my neighbors buy chugging beers with my motorcycle helmet and the dogs spiked collar on. It's not long before he gets bored and soon he started talking to a homeless lady with a carriage over flowing with cans. The minute she stepped away from the carriage he was off running down the street, motorcycle helmet, dog collar, and carriage full of cans. Since has been smoking since he was twelve, he doesnt make it very far and when the can lady catches up he returns the carriage and heads back to the house. Another two beers and he now wants to check the effectiveness of the helmet by running into the side of the U-Haul head first, which serves to lay him out in the middle of the street blocking traffic. After picking him up off the street and sitting him down inside next to the cooler we finished moving.
To celebrate finishing the move we start pounding beers vigourously. With a couple of my friends it didn't take us long to finish both thirty packs (or what was left of them) and everything that Jigga had in the fridge. I dont remember what we got at the liquor store but I know it was probabably something like a couple of thirty packs and something to do shots with, which is enough to make me follow in Smush's footsteps and start doing stupid shit.
Now what you have to remember is I think I was 21 maybe 22 at the time and was a little immature. I would like to believe that I have done some growing up since then, but some may disagree. After Smush was done hanging his head out of the window yelling at my new neighbor, who happened to be a pretty blonde, to come drink with us -- which she shortly did -- he decided he wanted to show me the toaster that a previous renter had thrown out the window onto the garage roof next door.
I must have thought that this was a great place to store all of our extra shit because I began to grab everything we had doubles of and rifle it out the window, including but not limited to a toaster oven, crock pot, silverware sets and probably a few other things. I was only stopped when I went to throw the microwave out the window and Jigga stopped me realizing we only had one.
After drinking for the rest of the day and early evening and everybody having by now taken a run at my new neighbor except for me, we decided to go to a bar. The drunker my friends get, the more they hit on my new neighbor and every female in the general visinity. I do what normally works best and pay absolutely no attention to her. See, girls are just like guys, we all want what we can't have so if you harness that and make yourself unavailable or uninterseted you can slay any trash bag you want.
After about an hour of doing shots and drinking RBVs (red bull vodkas) I decided I wanted to get laid. Around midnight I walked over to my new neighbor, who had been staring at me like a fat chick does to a cheeseburger. I tell her that we are gonna do a shot and then get out of there. Now mind you I haven't said five words to her all night, so you would expect a different response, but she just smiled and asked what kind of shot.
Ten minutes later we are in a cab and on our way to pound town. We didnt even make it to my new apartment, crashing through the door on the first floor into her apartment because her bed was closer. She couldn't have gotten her clothes off faster if they were covered in red ants. Now being as drunk as I was, usually normal vaginal sex doesn't do it for me. I informed her that she was gonna have to blow me and she agreed as long as I gave her a courtesy tap. Now being as drunk as I was I'm not sure if I forgot or just didn't care because I am an asshole, about three minutes into her act of felatio I unleashed enough children down her throat to start day cares all over New England.
She was not amused at all but for some reason still wanted me to stay the night. I told her I would, I just had to grab something in my apartment and would be right back. I hit the door with the only intention of returning to the bar. I was stopped when I was met on the door step by Jigga and Bear Claw who informed me that Smush was arrested when he decided he wanted to run hood-roof-trunk over a few on-coming cabs, and landed on the hood of a cruiser.
The three of us head upstairs to finish the rest of the beers in the cooler and fill each other in on what we had missed and pass out.
The three of us head upstairs to finish the rest of the beers in the cooler and fill each other in on what we had missed and pass out.
We all wake up around 10 o'clock fully expecting to go have to bail Smush out when we learn that he didn't even make it to the station. He started name dropping and they took him about 20 blocks out of the way and dropped his ass off, making him walk back with no cabs in sight -- but at least he didn't get locked up.
We head out to get breakfast when we meet a young guy at the front door, who I thought was another one of my new neighbors. I introduce myself and he soon tells me that he doesn't live in the building -- he had come over to see his fiance, who lived on the first floor.
